The look of Stage IV Cancer

I have read a variety of blogs and comments about how stage IV cancer patients look. It is often confusing to friends and family to see someone with cancer. There is a hollywood image of cancer patients that is a little scary looking: a hollow look, grey-ish skin, bones protruding from an incredibly skinny body, etc.  But, cancer doesn't always look like that; often cancer patients look so average, well if the hair thing doesn't tip you off.
With many chemo cocktails used to treat Breast Cancer the anti-nausea drugs and those given to prevent a reaction include steroids.  Most breast cancer survivor blogs I read include discussion of treatment weight gain from steroids.  So, there you are with cancer, and plumping up like the goodyear blimp.
Cancer treatment can also change your taste buds. Plus, eating healthful foods becomes more important as you are trying to fuel your immune system, and your appearance improves.
In fact, when I was being treated the first time, after I found a good medical team, I think I looked pretty good.  Here I am with one of my sisters.

Me and My sister- first time in treatment - 5 years ago.

This was pretty early in treatment. I had lost my hair (obvious, right?) but still had some eyelashes. My skin still has a glow and my eyes are bright.  I really good wig and some false lashes I could have fooled most people about my cancer.
I am looking pretty healthy now, and friends are often surprised saying I look better than they expected.  I am glad to hear that I am looking pretty good, thank you.
I think this is due to several things: help from family, focusing on getting more fruit and veggies, which as been easier with the green smoothies, and the fabulous meals our friends have brought.  I love it when my friend, a nurse, brings nice meals with a focus on fruits with antioxidants.  She is so thoughtful to include that little boost to help.  I have also been tremendously blessed in many, many more ways.
Of course enjoying a LONG weekend is really good for everyones health.  I bought some new jammies for the kiddies this weekend, super warm ones along with slipper socks.  They were so cuddly warm they even slept in!
Stage IV cancer can look so average.  Depending on the current treatment, how long you have been in treatment, your support system and other factors, a cancer patient can look like any one out there.
You probably don't feel like an average person though.  I feel like I'm walking a fine line between wherever I am and a really bad prognosis.  I am sure I will get well this time, there is zero question in my mind that I will be NED (no evidence of disease), but I am not sure if I will get there on this treatment or if I will have to use chemo.  I am hopeful but nervous.
I don't know if or when the doctors will find new tumors.  I hope to be into the next decade of my life, maybe even older before I am told that I need treatment again.  I hope if the cancer comes back it will grow someplace less vital to my wellbeing- like my bones, as compared to my liver, lungs or brain.  But, for now, I have to stay the course.
I have a test on Thursday.  Hopefully the results show there isn't an increase in the tumor marker, or progression of tumor growth.  Then the next test, in a month, should show a drop in the tumor markers as the treatment drugs will have had time to attack and act on the tumors.  These results would show successful response to the treatment.
I will have monthly blood tests to pass, and every three months I will have bone scans to track the activity (and as time goes on, lack of activity) in my bones.  What we want is for this to take me to the point of no activity or NED which is theoretically guaranteed with my current diagnosis.
Once I reach this point I just hold on, with a hope and prayer, for as long as I continue to be NED.  Maybe when I get rid of the tumors in my bones I will start introducing myself as "Ned"because I will be proud to have that diagnosis as long as God will let me keep it.
So for now, I will use positive thinking, guided imagery, and all the drugs the onc and I agree will help.  I am cleaning the trouble and stress out of my life so my body can use more energy to making me well.  And, I am going to enjoy Christmas.  I love Thanksgiving- because it leads into Christmas and it is also the feelings of Christmas without the distractions.
Celebrate with me!  Count your blessings, make your life more positive, and enjoy what life has for you right now.
Love, Kel

Working Mom or SAH Mom

Initial Disclaimer:  I am not suggesting that Mom's at home don't work, I am just using this convenient phrase.

Before my first child was born I lamented about the possibility of returning to work after maternity leave.  I was sure that if I had to go back to work I would die of a broken heart.  After 9 months of struggling every waking and sleeping moment I decided to quit my job in healthcare insurance and be a SAH mom.
It was bliss.  The house was neurotically clean and I embraced homemaking, sewing, and being part of a circle of SAH moms.

But, before my second child came along my ex-husband had been fired from his job and I was working again to support our family as our marriage was well into its phase of dying.  From this point on I worked or attended school continuously with few breaks of SAH mom-hood.

But here I am, Thanksgiving morning.  We are being totally lazy here at our house and I am realizing that if you are a SAH mom you don't get paid holidays.  Working Mom's get this change of pace day that allows them to live their SAH dream for a snippet of time.  If I were a SAH mom this morning would have been the same as any other morning.  I would be in the daily routine without much thought.  The kids would expect the same as every day.

As a working mom, we have been talking about our 4 day weekend coming up for weeks.  Mornings when the kids just couldn't stand getting up another day and going to school I reminded them of the number of days until we could all stay home and relax.

SAHD (Stay-at-home-days)  in our house are truly a holiday.  Some of my friends use these days to work as a short-order cook and make anything each kid wants for breakfast.  Others cram all the activities and crafts they can't do because they work.  Chez moi, it is a "do what you feel like" thing.  The girls know I may or may not sleep in, and lucky for me they are old enough to take care of themselves either way.  They know I may suggest an outing, may sit and watch movies, lay in bed and talk, or get up and clean the house.

I would love to be the supper mom who doesn't have to have a paying job too.  I would volunteer at the school, run PTA boards and activities, sew, craft, decorate, and so much more.  I would have clean vents, ceiling fans, and walls.  My kids would be a little smothered, but they are too young to mind.

But, I am a supper mom who gets paid to spend 10 hrs commuting to and working towards the objectives of an organization. My work gives me a break from house keeping, sometimes I appreciate that, sometimes I miss the days of clean organization.

And, I like being trained to treat today like a holiday.  I am not in my regular routine.  I hope you SAH moms out there make today your holiday too.  Whether you cook, clean, lounge, or scout out Black-Friday sales today is a holiday!  Enjoy.

Happy Thanksgiving!
Cheers!

I can't find the words...

Today I wanted to post a tribute- I have been thinking about so many people who I know and love who have been effected by cancer, and I wanted to say something about it all.  I can't seem to find the right words or tone to express what I feel, so I am taking that as a sign.  I am going to skip that post and focus on what I really need to think about tonight- tomorrow.

Tomorrow is the big day, it is the treatment that is going to arrest the highest number of cancer cells.  The long needles and fat syringes are going to be full of White Knight Warriors, all with marching orders from which they will not deviate.  Tomorrows treatment may be powerful and strong, but I will be stronger.  I will enjoy the play and the weekend.  I will breeze through 3 days of work next week and enjoy THE BEST HOLIDAY- THANKSGIVING!

Tomorrow is treatment!  I gotta get my head in it, get my game face on, and get ready to kick cancer!
I am going to create an affirmation routine and I am going to really focus on positive imagery instead of the temporarily crippling pain of the shots.  I am going to load some pictures of my greatest supporters on my iPhone and I am taking you with me to treatment.  We are in this together.  Would you like your picture loaded into my group of greatest supporters? Post it!

Positive mojo of the day...

There is something good about cancer- the snail mail.  It is so much fun to go to the mailbox and find something besides junk mail, advertisements, marketing letters and postcards and other junk.  I love the cards and packages we have received.  It is cheerful for the whole family.  So, thank you.
I am really looking forward to getting your Christmas cards.  I like the ones with family pictures best (hint, hint)

And, I am looking forward to seeing MP when he is home too.