The look of Stage IV Cancer

I have read a variety of blogs and comments about how stage IV cancer patients look. It is often confusing to friends and family to see someone with cancer. There is a hollywood image of cancer patients that is a little scary looking: a hollow look, grey-ish skin, bones protruding from an incredibly skinny body, etc.  But, cancer doesn't always look like that; often cancer patients look so average, well if the hair thing doesn't tip you off.
With many chemo cocktails used to treat Breast Cancer the anti-nausea drugs and those given to prevent a reaction include steroids.  Most breast cancer survivor blogs I read include discussion of treatment weight gain from steroids.  So, there you are with cancer, and plumping up like the goodyear blimp.
Cancer treatment can also change your taste buds. Plus, eating healthful foods becomes more important as you are trying to fuel your immune system, and your appearance improves.
In fact, when I was being treated the first time, after I found a good medical team, I think I looked pretty good.  Here I am with one of my sisters.

Me and My sister- first time in treatment - 5 years ago.

This was pretty early in treatment. I had lost my hair (obvious, right?) but still had some eyelashes. My skin still has a glow and my eyes are bright.  I really good wig and some false lashes I could have fooled most people about my cancer.
I am looking pretty healthy now, and friends are often surprised saying I look better than they expected.  I am glad to hear that I am looking pretty good, thank you.
I think this is due to several things: help from family, focusing on getting more fruit and veggies, which as been easier with the green smoothies, and the fabulous meals our friends have brought.  I love it when my friend, a nurse, brings nice meals with a focus on fruits with antioxidants.  She is so thoughtful to include that little boost to help.  I have also been tremendously blessed in many, many more ways.
Of course enjoying a LONG weekend is really good for everyones health.  I bought some new jammies for the kiddies this weekend, super warm ones along with slipper socks.  They were so cuddly warm they even slept in!
Stage IV cancer can look so average.  Depending on the current treatment, how long you have been in treatment, your support system and other factors, a cancer patient can look like any one out there.
You probably don't feel like an average person though.  I feel like I'm walking a fine line between wherever I am and a really bad prognosis.  I am sure I will get well this time, there is zero question in my mind that I will be NED (no evidence of disease), but I am not sure if I will get there on this treatment or if I will have to use chemo.  I am hopeful but nervous.
I don't know if or when the doctors will find new tumors.  I hope to be into the next decade of my life, maybe even older before I am told that I need treatment again.  I hope if the cancer comes back it will grow someplace less vital to my wellbeing- like my bones, as compared to my liver, lungs or brain.  But, for now, I have to stay the course.
I have a test on Thursday.  Hopefully the results show there isn't an increase in the tumor marker, or progression of tumor growth.  Then the next test, in a month, should show a drop in the tumor markers as the treatment drugs will have had time to attack and act on the tumors.  These results would show successful response to the treatment.
I will have monthly blood tests to pass, and every three months I will have bone scans to track the activity (and as time goes on, lack of activity) in my bones.  What we want is for this to take me to the point of no activity or NED which is theoretically guaranteed with my current diagnosis.
Once I reach this point I just hold on, with a hope and prayer, for as long as I continue to be NED.  Maybe when I get rid of the tumors in my bones I will start introducing myself as "Ned"because I will be proud to have that diagnosis as long as God will let me keep it.
So for now, I will use positive thinking, guided imagery, and all the drugs the onc and I agree will help.  I am cleaning the trouble and stress out of my life so my body can use more energy to making me well.  And, I am going to enjoy Christmas.  I love Thanksgiving- because it leads into Christmas and it is also the feelings of Christmas without the distractions.
Celebrate with me!  Count your blessings, make your life more positive, and enjoy what life has for you right now.
Love, Kel

Ramping Up!

There are 3 days left til the next treatment, and I am sure Nurse Stacey can't wait to stick it to me. (Ha- not really.  She is sorry it hurts but makes no apology for helping to save my life.)

I am anxious.  Not super nervous, but apprehensive about how I will feel.  Will have the energy to go on a Girl Scout outing this weekend and enjoy myself?  I really want to have a good time and take some fun pictures, but last time I got (hormone-blocker) shot I was totally whipped over the weekend.
There is also a play the kids are putting on the night of treatment- their Thanksgiving play, and I know they are so excited. I want to be energetic - "that was great" mom for them, not -"ok, let's get home to bed" mom. Who has fond memories of their mom always cheering them on by saying, "Ok, I am really tired.  You have to go to bed early tonight."?

So, I have to start getting hyped up, setting my frame of mind, and find some visualization therapy that I am going to start using.

When I was in chemo 5 years ago Nurse Lisa (patron saint and one of my idols) taught me to visualize the healing and to use mediation to get through the nasty (makes-me-gag-to-think-of-it) Red Devil treatment, Adriamycin/Cytoxan.  She even loaned me her zen place.  I never did find a better one, so I still go there.  It is an awesome place, but you aren't invited;  I go there alone and totally relax.

This treatment is going to be...

• Easier than the last because I know what to expect this time
• The release of little vials of White Knights marching through my body, leaving no uncheck cell as they search out every cancer cell, KILLING them. (I am imagining a team of the most muscular, elite soldiers, the best of the best) 
• Successful! I think this treatment is going to be 150% more effective than the treatment two weeks ago (this is not quantifiable, but I believe it still)
• A metaphorical attack on more than just cancer- but an attack on all things that are creating stress in my life.  It is going to bring peace.
• A fight to honor GB and CM - two people I love who died of Breast Cancer.  I believe they are on the other side pulling for me, along with many angels.
• A declaration of my quest to become NED!

It is hard to hope for the chance to beat cancer again for a while when others don't. I know I am not better than they are, in fact I am nearly sure they are better than I am, but it isn't a onsie-twosie thing.  They don't die so I live; and my living doesn't cause their death.

I have to remind myself that they would not want me to die to make it "fair", they would want wonderful things for me because they are wonderful.  I can live even though they are gone, and it is all alright.

So, you handsome soldiers, KAEMPE FOR AT VINDE!

I'd Fall on a Bee for You - Another Warrior Ended Her Battle

Today I am so sad.  It is so hard to imagine growing old, and outliving the statistics of this stupid disease.  Today I am so sad. It is so hard to imagine growing old and outliving the statistics of this stupid disease.

Today a dear friend of mine, one I have known longer than I have known cancer in either of our lives, passed away. Her blog has the greatest quote "I'd fall on a bee for you". She would do that too. She is that kind of friend. She is good and sweet. She is gentle and would think of saving you from something horrible like a bee, I mean- she would want to protect you from tiny pain or giant pain.

I have a tough time recalling the details, but she was diagnosed with Breast Cancer a while ago, about 6 years. Sadly, her fight never gave her a break. Her cancer cells made clones of themselves with wild abandon. No treatment could seem to stall out their progress.

I am so sorry to hear this news. I seemed to sense it was happening. About 2 weeks ago I felt a compelling need to reach out to her. I sent a letter, and then checked in with a mutual friend. That is how I learned that the treatments had worn her to a point that an acceptable quality of life was no longer possible. Hospice had been called; time was short.

I am so glad that she is finally done with the fight against cancer. This amazing woman fought for a long, long time. She was able to recently see her youngest, and last, child be married.

WAIT-

Isn't it crazy the way we look for the good things when we see tragedy? Well, the truth is this... She will miss out on Grandbabies and time with a great husband. Her kids are missing out on a wonderful Mom and Grandma. She shouldn't have to die from a disease that has been forcing pain and horror on lives for centuries. We should have something to show for all the loss that cancer has already caused.

Why can't we figure this out? Why can't we stop cancer?

Last night I saw a special on open heart surgery. The first open heart surgeries were possible because of hypothermia. By inducing hypothermia doctors had about 8 minutes of time to operate on an open heart. When that wasn't long enough they found another solution. Now, they perform miracles through complex open heart surgery using bypass machines and save lives - save families from premature separation forced by death. But cancer is still a ridiculous, out-of -control disease that we have few methods of tempering.

I HATE CANCER! I HATE WORRYING ABOUT IT! I HATE SEEING PEOPLE I LOVE NOT OUTLIVE IT! I HATE CANCER!!!

Why are we still victim to cancer? Why do I have to fear dying too young and having my children raised by their father? He has failed them in so many ways; I can't imagine leaving their lives in his hands.

All I want is to be their Mom. I make employment decisions based on it. I was all set to lead a Girl Scout troop for one kiddie; I was homeroom mom for another last year. I was trying to provide sports, dance, etc classes for them. All I needed was health on my side. Why do I have to fight this instead of be Mom.

I am scared of dying too young. I want to believe that I will be one of those metastatic cancer patients who become NED (no evidence of disease) but the odds are out of my favor. And today is a reminder that sometimes we don’t get to live.

Ugh, Did I mention I HATE CANCER!!!

So, what can I do about it? -Just hold on to a wing and a prayer. Maybe I will get to be one of those who do become NED. Maybe I will get to raise my babies and rock theirs one day. -That is my dream. Maybe someone will find the missing key to controlling cancer, and we will be able to manage our cell growth like we manage our hearts. Maybe we will see a miracle. Maybe today's sad news will not be a type of my future, or the future of far too many warriors. Maybe.

Dear Miss G, I am sorry you died, but that sadness is for those who are left behind. I am happy for you; you are free of chemo, pain, illness, and limitations of cancer. I know one day you be reunited with your family again. All those lost moments of life on earth will be made up for in having your family for eternity.  I would step on a bee for you.

Love, Kel