Blog-cation Over - Thinking of a Disney Cruise

You have all noticed that I took a blog-cation.  There was no medical reason for this - thank you for all you worry and care- I am doing well and just having summer.

We have faced a couple big challenges lately:

1. The new regime (read here for details) is pretty wicked sometimes and totally mild other times. I have been through the terrible rash I blogged about a while back.  Shortly after that there was a couple days with mouth sores so bad!  Oh those things are the worst.  But, I have been doing well lately other than some issues that are neither visible nor meant for public discussion.  But, in spite of the drama the tumor markers fell last month- and in a week or so we will know what the net result of this month will be, but I feel bravely optimistic.
2. Lost of heartache over being the child of divorced parents at our house lately.  We are working through that, but it just adds to the weight I must carry.  Thankfully I do not carry it alone.
3. The EX has left a huge unpaid debt with my name attached so I will have to take care of it before the creditor takes action against me.  But, it will be another notch in my belt of overcoming unbelievable odds when it is over.  And, the kids will be teaching swimming lessons with me to help get a bit more money together.  It is great to be able to teach them the value of work and money.

I am thinking about planning a cruise sometime in the future.  It may be a while before I am ready to go financially and also so the kids are older, but I wonder about others experience of cruising with kids.  I think a Disney Cruise would be a great kid-friendly choice.  And, they leave from Galveston, TX - not far from home.

What do you think? Have you cruised with kids?  Maybe Disney would take us as guests if I blog for them about the trip.

Finally, the most recent edition of O Magazine is loaded with quizzes, they are fun and silly.  One is based on mapping out a typical day and then an ideal day which includes some of the activities you would like to do but don't.  I guess it had an impact on me because I dreamed about it that night.  So, I am thinking of ways to really include some of my ideals in the busy schedule of life by cutting out of those things that aren't valuable.  


Now that I am back I hope you are all well.  Love to my dear friends, Kel

Like a Roller Coaster - But Less Fun

I find it weird that we draw a similarity between difficult times, an emotional roller coaster, and the real thing- like at an amusement park.

I haven't been on a roller coaster for a while, but I recall them being fun.  You know, anticipation and excitement.

Here is how I recall it going: You are in line and think about chickening out, but cannot come up with an excuse your friends will believe. So you psych yourself up.  "It won't even last too long",  "We will have fun", "I am going to concentrate on smiling when we go past that camera so I don't look too freaked out in the picture".

Finally, you get on the ride and the clank of the safety bar rings with a hallow ting as it locks into place.  And you think, "if it is hallow is probably isn't very strong.  Everyone is going to hear about me crashing from the top on the 10 o'clock news. They will think, 'I am so glad it wasn't me'."

Now you don't care what your friends think, you just want to run!  But, it is to late.  Slowly the ride lurches into motion.  Even slower still it makes the first climb.  "Why didn't they put a stronger motor on this thing so it would be over already?"  Almost at the top and you decide, "I am not going to fall" and your knuckles are poking out of the white skin wrapped over them.

The first fall seems to be moving at the speed of a frame-by-frame instant replay.  The ride starts to speed up and you are tossed from side-to-side around turns and in loopy-loops.  Flash! I forgot to smile.

Your body starts to get used to the sharp motions of the turns.  You are starting to laugh in between screams.  Just as you catch your breath, the ride is over.  You want to stay for one more round, but they make you leave your seat as the next glazed-eye passenger embarks.

Well, there are twists and turns in your emotions when you have cancer.  You lurch from side to side and try to maintain some level of composure through it all, but flash! another surprise catches you with your mouth wide open and panic in your eyes.  


The difference is you don't start to enjoy the ride and you don't want to stay on for another spin.  You get off, sad to leave behind the friends you have spent every week with since it all began, and charge the crowd trying to outrun the clutches of "Mets".

I thought after I got over the first week of knowing my cancer was back it would start to feel like I was back on the ride I jumped off less than 5 years ago.  I thought I would get the swing of things and feel ready to keep racing up and down the track with the goal of getting off the ride for good to drive me forward.  Wrong.

Today was a drop down, a loopy-loop, flash! bang! roller coaster kind-a day. 

But, this isn't a roller coaster.  Roller coasters are fun. This is scary.  And, when you have to take responsibility for decision about which track to follow it leaves you second-guessing yourself.  Did I make the wrong turn?  Does the track ahead of me end?  Will it meet back up with the end of the ride or will I end up just looping around until...

Last night I kept thinking of these promises: "I am THE WAY, THE TRUTH, and THE LIGHT" and "My PEACE I give unto you".

And tonight driving from work to daycare I saw several cars with that "Life Is Good" saying on bumper stickers or tire covers.  I wanted to roll my window down and shout, "No it's not, you idiot".  I didn't do it; I do have some composure still.  

Then I thought- maybe I should stop fighting it and consider that Heavenly Father might want to tell me "Your life is good.  I am in charge. I will take care."  After all, Jesus Christ- my brother- is on my side too.  He is offering THE WAY marked by HIS LIGHT.

So I decided, white-knuckle-gripped, I am going to stay on this ride! And when it is over I am going to rush the crowd and get back to the life I was pretty happy with before I was forced on this non-fun emotional roller coaster.

I am not going to be on the news tonight or any night.  

I AM THANKFUL FOR:

Cards from Mom's Cousin

Mama Jean "Medicine" (grams, sugar, almonds- ya know?)

Sisters to whine to on the phone

Mom and Dad

My Babys

Thanksgiving

Co-Workers who redecorate for Thanksgiving immediately after Halloween

AWESOME Daisy troopers who want to help

Veggies

Diet Coke

Google

... shall I go on? 
Life is Good!...          

Doctor's News: Recurrance. It's Mets.

Oh my broken heart.
I got my results.  I have spots on my breastbone and back. 
I will have an echo on Monday.  Scheduling a biopsy and port ASAP.
Will take Herceptin and Taxol.

I am crushed.
I can't eat.
I can't sleep for more than a few hours.
I can't believe it.
I can't believe it.

God willing, I will raise my kids, but it doesn't feel good.
I am scared.
I am lonely even with my friends and family all around.
I have cancer.
Again.

Lunch Break

I am just taking a few minutes of break in lieu of Lunch today.  I have to leave work about 90 minutes early to find out if I have cancer again or not, so I am skipping lunch in an effort to be fair to my employeer and my salary.
I did find this... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=25eQp0mZ-qA
Don't know if it is true, but I have thought a lot the last few days about the monotization of Breast Cancer. 
I read on a blog:"what good does your liking yogurt lids do for me?"  (http://jillscancerjourney.blogspot.com/view/classic)
What good does it do?  Are newer tests coming out? Are treatments improving?  Everyone says. "oh, you will be ok.  They are getting new treatments all the time". But, are they?  Herceptin came out in 1998! That is a long long time ago! 
We need more, and I don't mean ribbons or t-shirts.  We need treatment solutions, improved testing, and a cure.
Don't get me wrong, I think the Komen foudation was genius in creating awareness, but we are all aware now.  It is time to develop a new foundation.  One that is seeking a cure, not creating world-class marketing collaboration. 
CURE ME!
SAVE ME!
Let me raise my kids!
Let me kids not suffer Breast Cancer!