Like a Roller Coaster - But Less Fun

I find it weird that we draw a similarity between difficult times, an emotional roller coaster, and the real thing- like at an amusement park.

I haven't been on a roller coaster for a while, but I recall them being fun.  You know, anticipation and excitement.

Here is how I recall it going: You are in line and think about chickening out, but cannot come up with an excuse your friends will believe. So you psych yourself up.  "It won't even last too long",  "We will have fun", "I am going to concentrate on smiling when we go past that camera so I don't look too freaked out in the picture".

Finally, you get on the ride and the clank of the safety bar rings with a hallow ting as it locks into place.  And you think, "if it is hallow is probably isn't very strong.  Everyone is going to hear about me crashing from the top on the 10 o'clock news. They will think, 'I am so glad it wasn't me'."

Now you don't care what your friends think, you just want to run!  But, it is to late.  Slowly the ride lurches into motion.  Even slower still it makes the first climb.  "Why didn't they put a stronger motor on this thing so it would be over already?"  Almost at the top and you decide, "I am not going to fall" and your knuckles are poking out of the white skin wrapped over them.

The first fall seems to be moving at the speed of a frame-by-frame instant replay.  The ride starts to speed up and you are tossed from side-to-side around turns and in loopy-loops.  Flash! I forgot to smile.

Your body starts to get used to the sharp motions of the turns.  You are starting to laugh in between screams.  Just as you catch your breath, the ride is over.  You want to stay for one more round, but they make you leave your seat as the next glazed-eye passenger embarks.

Well, there are twists and turns in your emotions when you have cancer.  You lurch from side to side and try to maintain some level of composure through it all, but flash! another surprise catches you with your mouth wide open and panic in your eyes.  


The difference is you don't start to enjoy the ride and you don't want to stay on for another spin.  You get off, sad to leave behind the friends you have spent every week with since it all began, and charge the crowd trying to outrun the clutches of "Mets".

I thought after I got over the first week of knowing my cancer was back it would start to feel like I was back on the ride I jumped off less than 5 years ago.  I thought I would get the swing of things and feel ready to keep racing up and down the track with the goal of getting off the ride for good to drive me forward.  Wrong.

Today was a drop down, a loopy-loop, flash! bang! roller coaster kind-a day. 

But, this isn't a roller coaster.  Roller coasters are fun. This is scary.  And, when you have to take responsibility for decision about which track to follow it leaves you second-guessing yourself.  Did I make the wrong turn?  Does the track ahead of me end?  Will it meet back up with the end of the ride or will I end up just looping around until...

Last night I kept thinking of these promises: "I am THE WAY, THE TRUTH, and THE LIGHT" and "My PEACE I give unto you".

And tonight driving from work to daycare I saw several cars with that "Life Is Good" saying on bumper stickers or tire covers.  I wanted to roll my window down and shout, "No it's not, you idiot".  I didn't do it; I do have some composure still.  

Then I thought- maybe I should stop fighting it and consider that Heavenly Father might want to tell me "Your life is good.  I am in charge. I will take care."  After all, Jesus Christ- my brother- is on my side too.  He is offering THE WAY marked by HIS LIGHT.

So I decided, white-knuckle-gripped, I am going to stay on this ride! And when it is over I am going to rush the crowd and get back to the life I was pretty happy with before I was forced on this non-fun emotional roller coaster.

I am not going to be on the news tonight or any night.  

I AM THANKFUL FOR:

Cards from Mom's Cousin

Mama Jean "Medicine" (grams, sugar, almonds- ya know?)

Sisters to whine to on the phone

Mom and Dad

My Babys

Thanksgiving

Co-Workers who redecorate for Thanksgiving immediately after Halloween

AWESOME Daisy troopers who want to help

Veggies

Diet Coke

Google

... shall I go on? 
Life is Good!...          

So Much to Contemplate; Don't Want to Dwell on Anything

The first time through cancer I read, studied, talked with doctors and nurses, analyzed my own reactions and then gave myself credit for becoming an honorary Oncologist.  Sure- there was lots I didn't know, but I knew the questions to ask, I questioned the possibility of using new treatments or varied treatments- I kept my Oncologists working at educating me and offering me the most solid medical interventions we could figure out at the time.  Between yesterday and today, visiting with two Oncologist who could potentially become my doctor, I have taken my education to a new level.

First, let me say that I am please with both options.  These are two very smart, decisive, educated, research-oriented physicians.  They also present with different personalities and I feel that either would be a good choice.  Isn't it amazing to contrast a doctor you aren't impressed with to a doctor who inspires trust and meaningful conversation?

So, how do I take all this information and provide an update to friends and family reading this blog? And how do I also provide a resource to another warrior who wants to know about my experience as they face their own?

Really, right now I want to just sleep- and I think I can sleep very peacefully.  But- having all this new- and much of it very good means that I have to share it and let you know I AM GOING TO BE OK!

A quick summary, that I may expound on in future posts, would be something like this:

1. Test results tomorrow will confirm if the tumor came back with the same hormonal make-up as the first cancer diagnosis.  We are checking the HER2 expression.  Triple Positive would be the same as before.  HER2- would be a variation.
1. What does that mean?  As I understand, that isn't a huge determination to the ability to succeed with treatment.  It does, however, change the treatment that will be used.  
1. HER2-: One Dr felt this outcome was possible. Treatment would be oral, not IV.  Don't know what side effects there would be, don't know much, but it sounds like an easier treatment.  
2. HER2+ : The other Dr thought this was practically a given.  Treatment would likely be a Chemo taken at regular intervals until there is no sign of cancer, and then continued for a short time as an insurance policy.  This would coincide with Herceptin I.V. treatment which would continue for one year+.  Herceptin does sometime cause decrease heart function, especially if a patient has taken A/C, which I have.  This would require an echo every 3 months to be sure my heart is handling it, which it always has before.
2. Cancer in the bones is often time more slow-growing than metastatic cancer in other places (i.e. lungs, liver, etc.)  This is obviously good.  It is almost always responsive when it is in the bones, so  remission is highly probable.  Yeah!  But, no matter what the HER2 test shows I will begin a therapy (subQ injections monthly) to strengthen my bones.  Cancer in the bones increases probability of fractures, breaks, and osteoporosis. 
3. The PET/CT test I had several weeks ago used radioactive glucose (something-something) to measure the uptake of the glucose. Areas of higher uptake signal likelihood of cancer.  Along with verifying the presence or lack of activity the scan measure the rate of radioactive activity. My measurements at all 3 sights are not the highest that the Dr has seen.  I understand this to mean that we are getting it while it is still smaller, newer, ... and so we are getting to this fight early.

What I know:
I know that this is going to be a battle.  I will have to give a few months to this fight, and it is going to take a lot.

I know that the goal is to achieve remission and stay in remission as long as possible, and then try to get back to remission if/when the cancer presents again.  There is no cure for metastatic cancer.  However, today's Dr said some women in my situation never have a recurrence.  They maintain remission.  No one knows why some do and some don't.  I might be one of those women.  Wouldn't it be lovely?

I know I am going to achieve remission.  I believe I will raise my daughters - the most important thing in the world to me.I know God is going to take care of me and see to it that I make it through this fight to remission.  I know He knows that I (me, their mom) needs to raise them. They need ME.

I know this challenge has come at an interesting time in my life, but it has moved my focus right back to what I was trying to get focused on a week before I started these tests and the subsequent oncology relationship. So, I am going to focus on that.  I am blessed.  I have a clear and short list of priorities.  I have every reason to be hopeful.


I am thankful for:

1. The Rangers in the World Series. Wow! Did you see that wild play in the world series last night?  Bottom of the 8th.  Final out on the Cardinals.  Rangers 1st baseman does the splits to catch the ball and maintain contact with the base and thus get the 3rd out.  I am thankful for exciting and unusual plays like that.
2. Kiddies who are learning to read.  It is so exciting to hear them sound words out.  But, it is comforting that they still need your help with the tough words.
3. Talking to nieces and nephews on the phone or getting text-pics of them. Family- that's what it's all about.