Ramping Up!

There are 3 days left til the next treatment, and I am sure Nurse Stacey can't wait to stick it to me. (Ha- not really.  She is sorry it hurts but makes no apology for helping to save my life.)

I am anxious.  Not super nervous, but apprehensive about how I will feel.  Will have the energy to go on a Girl Scout outing this weekend and enjoy myself?  I really want to have a good time and take some fun pictures, but last time I got (hormone-blocker) shot I was totally whipped over the weekend.
There is also a play the kids are putting on the night of treatment- their Thanksgiving play, and I know they are so excited. I want to be energetic - "that was great" mom for them, not -"ok, let's get home to bed" mom. Who has fond memories of their mom always cheering them on by saying, "Ok, I am really tired.  You have to go to bed early tonight."?

So, I have to start getting hyped up, setting my frame of mind, and find some visualization therapy that I am going to start using.

When I was in chemo 5 years ago Nurse Lisa (patron saint and one of my idols) taught me to visualize the healing and to use mediation to get through the nasty (makes-me-gag-to-think-of-it) Red Devil treatment, Adriamycin/Cytoxan.  She even loaned me her zen place.  I never did find a better one, so I still go there.  It is an awesome place, but you aren't invited;  I go there alone and totally relax.

This treatment is going to be...

• Easier than the last because I know what to expect this time
• The release of little vials of White Knights marching through my body, leaving no uncheck cell as they search out every cancer cell, KILLING them. (I am imagining a team of the most muscular, elite soldiers, the best of the best) 
• Successful! I think this treatment is going to be 150% more effective than the treatment two weeks ago (this is not quantifiable, but I believe it still)
• A metaphorical attack on more than just cancer- but an attack on all things that are creating stress in my life.  It is going to bring peace.
• A fight to honor GB and CM - two people I love who died of Breast Cancer.  I believe they are on the other side pulling for me, along with many angels.
• A declaration of my quest to become NED!

It is hard to hope for the chance to beat cancer again for a while when others don't. I know I am not better than they are, in fact I am nearly sure they are better than I am, but it isn't a onsie-twosie thing.  They don't die so I live; and my living doesn't cause their death.

I have to remind myself that they would not want me to die to make it "fair", they would want wonderful things for me because they are wonderful.  I can live even though they are gone, and it is all alright.

So, you handsome soldiers, KAEMPE FOR AT VINDE!