Monday, November 14, 2011

Ramping Up!

There are 3 days left til the next treatment, and I am sure Nurse Stacey can't wait to stick it to me. (Ha- not really.  She is sorry it hurts but makes no apology for helping to save my life.)

I am anxious.  Not super nervous, but apprehensive about how I will feel.  Will have the energy to go on a Girl Scout outing this weekend and enjoy myself?  I really want to have a good time and take some fun pictures, but last time I got (hormone-blocker) shot I was totally whipped over the weekend.
There is also a play the kids are putting on the night of treatment- their Thanksgiving play, and I know they are so excited. I want to be energetic - "that was great" mom for them, not -"ok, let's get home to bed" mom. Who has fond memories of their mom always cheering them on by saying, "Ok, I am really tired.  You have to go to bed early tonight."?

So, I have to start getting hyped up, setting my frame of mind, and find some visualization therapy that I am going to start using.

When I was in chemo 5 years ago Nurse Lisa (patron saint and one of my idols) taught me to visualize the healing and to use mediation to get through the nasty (makes-me-gag-to-think-of-it) Red Devil treatment, Adriamycin/Cytoxan.  She even loaned me her zen place.  I never did find a better one, so I still go there.  It is an awesome place, but you aren't invited;  I go there alone and totally relax.

This treatment is going to be...

  • Easier than the last because I know what to expect this time
  • The release of little vials of White Knights marching through my body, leaving no uncheck cell as they search out every cancer cell, KILLING them. (I am imagining a team of the most muscular, elite soldiers, the best of the best) 
  • Successful! I think this treatment is going to be 150% more effective than the treatment two weeks ago (this is not quantifiable, but I believe it still)
  • A metaphorical attack on more than just cancer- but an attack on all things that are creating stress in my life.  It is going to bring peace.
  • A fight to honor GB and CM - two people I love who died of Breast Cancer.  I believe they are on the other side pulling for me, along with many angels.
  • A declaration of my quest to become NED!
It is hard to hope for the chance to beat cancer again for a while when others don't. I know I am not better than they are, in fact I am nearly sure they are better than I am, but it isn't a onsie-twosie thing.  They don't die so I live; and my living doesn't cause their death.

I have to remind myself that they would not want me to die to make it "fair", they would want wonderful things for me because they are wonderful.  I can live even though they are gone, and it is all alright.

So, you handsome soldiers, KAEMPE FOR AT VINDE!

3 comments:

AnneMarie said...

I will be thinking of you all week and into next week, too. NED. Keep your eye on the ball and go to the zen place and know you have more people on your team than you even know.

Love,
AnneMarie

Tova said...

Mikkel
you are such an amazing woman, I look up to you more and more. I love you and your girls you are constantly in our prayers.
I will pray extra for you tomorrow so you can be that "cool" mom, although I think you already are:)
Love you!

Kel said...

Thanks AM and Tova. I love you two!