New plan, new chemo, new day

I am so blessed! Thank you for your constant compassion and support.  Thank you for the prayers and concern.  I felt more empowered with each note of care and encouragement.  One of the greatest blessings of cancer is learning the value of family and true friends in a way you never would otherwise.  I treasure the relationships in my life immensely.

You should know, I enjoy the time I spend with the staff at the oncologist.  I decided long ago that no one lets their friends die, so I make sure everyone in the office knows I am a friend.  There are a lot of laughs and it is nice to keep up on what is happening in their families.  So, when you think of me going to the oncologist you don't need to feel sad.  We really make the best of it.  For example, if you stand on one foot with one foot and the other foot extended far to the side when stepping on the scale- as long as you capture the first weight that shows, before the numbers bounce around a little, you can come in 3-5 lbs lighter.  The nurses laughed when I tried this, but it worked.

Now, about the most recent visit: I am almost able to predict the entire conversation Dr J and I will have.  I got it right again this week.  Thursday we decided that it would be pointless to take chemo which may not be effective.  So, I got a week off (YEAH) and we ran the blood through the CA27.29 test - which determines the level of ones tumor markers.  Results came back on Friday and show an increase again.  So, Abraxene is no longer an effective chemo for me.  I am moving to the next option, Eribulin, which you can read about here.  I think I need to send some new banner suggestions to the company.  "Put time on your side" with a picture of a old cancer patient isn't very appealing.  Also, the copy is horrible.  It tries to encourage by telling me that in clinical trials (older women with metastatic breast cancer) live an average of 13.2 months compared to those treated with other therapies, who lived an average of 10.6 months.  We aren't looking for months live, but treatment cycles without tumor growth.  Every other research study I have read talks in these terms.

To be clear, we are not fighting for the last 10.6 months here friends.  I will use Eribulin for a long as it is effective.  Over time tumors build a resistance to chemo-therapies, hence changing all of the time.  When I develop a resistance to this one there are a myriad of others and we will keep cycling through.

I feel that my prayers were answered.  Dr J and I discussed a laundry list of topics on my mind.  I also feel that this is the right step.  It sure isn't the step I would like to be taking.  I want to be telling you that I was miraculously cured - something that happens in about 2% of cases like mine. 

I am, however, happy to tell you that I am blessed,  I am loved, and I am thankful.  And, life is normal.  I am off to pay rent, shop for a graduation dress with my daughter and clean out closets.  I bet dozens have the same, or similar things on your list of things to do today.

Trendy Blood, Coming Out of the Cancer Closet, and Veterans

There it is folks - the line graph that measures my cancer-ous-ness. I know it haven't posted one in a while and I am sure all the statisticians who read my blog have been hungry for this linear art work.

I gave you the "normal" range at the very wee bottom of the graph.  And, as you can see,  
I am an over achiever.  I have a superior level of the antigen named CA 27 29.  (such a scientific name for a steady bedfellow in my life)

So, Xeloda is not tolerable but it is working.  Doesn't that seem like an oxymoron?

When I call Dr J's office and spoke with Nurse S I said, "well, maybe I should tough it out."  She rightly reminded me that if it isn't working for me it isn't working.  I have other options.  Quickly I snapped back into the present and remembered why I called.  I wanted to commit myself to taking the next chemo option.  So I asked her to be sure my pre-auth for Abraxene was in place so that if that's what Dr J and I decide to do on Thursday we are ready to roll.

So, now you have it.  I have found the faith to "pull yourself together girl!  Decide what you are going to do, and do it!  Move forward with surety in your decision.  Show your faith that with God all things are possible."
 
I also decided today that it was time to come out of the closet at work.  I gathered my co-workers in the hall and told them that I am in active cancer treatment and have been for about 8 years.  I explained that it can no longer be a secret because I will likely be bald again, or as my children called it when I went through this before "topless" because there was nothing on top. ~Innocence of being under the age of 5.

I don't want to be bald again - it makes it obvious that I am sick, and I don't want to be seen as that sick girl.  But, when I see the picture of a woman who is bald I feel a kinship and admiration for what she is doing.  I can spot a wig from 20 paces.  And, when I see a bald man, I look to see if he has eyebrows or a 5 o'clock shadow.  If he doesn't, I know I am in the presence of a warrior.

It is the same reverence I feel when I see a man or woman who walks that way and you know they have learned to march in formation.  It is a certain way of moving - it isn't a strut - but sometimes they have that too.  They wear tattoos different than others.  I am guessing because they are often symbolic of a platoon they love or battle they faced.

 
I love veterans, I have 3 in my immediate family - my dad, brother, and brother-in-law.

Plus, I had such an awesome time meeting some of my brothers buddies a couple years ago before he deployed to Afganistan.   It was amazing.  In fact, getting to know them gave me a lot of peace while he was gone.  I could see the devotion and friendship they had, and I knew they had each others backs.

Even with this love I have for vets, I don't know if I can love a vet more than a cancer fighter.  Both have seen war that threatens to demolish what is precious.  Freedom from oppression.  Tearing apart families.  And, both have learned to make that warrior a part of their soul.  They say "hooah" and "semper fi"  we say "have I met my out of pocket?" and "how much is the co-pay?" the meaning between the words is so alike.  We are saying I am not going to give up.

Thank You, God

Today, among all of the feelings I have had this week, the feeling that bubbles to the top is gratitude to God, a loving Heavenly Father, who blesses my life.  And amazement of the selfless love of Jesus Christ, who offers complete understanding of the struggles we face in life.
My resentful day at the Dr quickly became a total waste of make-up as I melted into a sobbing mess to the nurses and my sweet Oncologist.  I told them I am ready to be cured and free of cancer, a concept they know (scientifically) is impossible for a stage IV Breast Cancer patient.  But, I know a secret - it is possible if it is the miracle God wants in my life.
I have not been tolorating the chemo, Xeloda, very well.  It is known as a mild chemo with few side effects for many patients. But, not for me.    :(  So, I have been given a week off to get myself pulled back together.  "Pull yourself together girl"is NOT what the medical team said.  They told me to "stop taking the chemo pills and get feeling better.  Then, come back next week after you have taken some time to think about switching to Abraxene".  I am the one saying, pull yourself together girl!  Decide what you are going to do, and do it!  Move forward with surety in your decision.  Show your faith that with God all things are possible.
I am not yet completely sure what I am going to decide to do, but I know that through Faith I can survive this trial with beauty and dignity.
Kel
P.S.  Dignity can be maintained while crying on the shoulder of friends.