Thank You, God

Today, among all of the feelings I have had this week, the feeling that bubbles to the top is gratitude to God, a loving Heavenly Father, who blesses my life.  And amazement of the selfless love of Jesus Christ, who offers complete understanding of the struggles we face in life.
My resentful day at the Dr quickly became a total waste of make-up as I melted into a sobbing mess to the nurses and my sweet Oncologist.  I told them I am ready to be cured and free of cancer, a concept they know (scientifically) is impossible for a stage IV Breast Cancer patient.  But, I know a secret - it is possible if it is the miracle God wants in my life.
I have not been tolorating the chemo, Xeloda, very well.  It is known as a mild chemo with few side effects for many patients. But, not for me.    :(  So, I have been given a week off to get myself pulled back together.  "Pull yourself together girl"is NOT what the medical team said.  They told me to "stop taking the chemo pills and get feeling better.  Then, come back next week after you have taken some time to think about switching to Abraxene".  I am the one saying, pull yourself together girl!  Decide what you are going to do, and do it!  Move forward with surety in your decision.  Show your faith that with God all things are possible.
I am not yet completely sure what I am going to decide to do, but I know that through Faith I can survive this trial with beauty and dignity.
Kel
P.S.  Dignity can be maintained while crying on the shoulder of friends.

Photo shoot - it was a flop

My last post was about the impending photo shoot in the radiology department to check out my insides.  The proofs came back and it has taken a few weeks for me to digest the results.

I have been so fortunate that Afinator, the drug I have been taking to control tumor growth, worked for so much longer than  it has for many other patients. I have also had far fewer side effects than many. 

However, all drugs come with risks and side effects, and I have reached a point where the effects of the drug are no linger acceptable. Afinator can cause (blah blah medical speak) a crystalizatoin of the lungs. I cannot recall the correct term, but it doesn't matter. It means I am off Afinator. The silver lining: I am so relieved that there is a good reason I can't walk into the building at work without severely loosing my breath and not being able to recover for several minutes. #so embracing. 

I have waited for the insurance to approve the new protocol :(   or   :)   -not sure which. And, now I am just waiting for the pharm to ship it. 

For now I am going to be able to stick with an oral medication that won't require going to the chemo pharm.  mucho good! I will start taking Xeloda.  I am pretty anxious about what it might be like, and worried about how to manage the demands of my life with this change. But, only time will tell what happens, and the only thing I can rely on is faith in Jesus Christ to carry me through this next 

phase of extraordinary demands.

Just tonight I found a blog telling about another patient's experience with Xeloda, it is encouraging. Very minimal side effects. She also said something I relate to very well. She decided to cut back her hours at work because she was feeling good.  She did not want to let that time go by without acknowledging that she was well enough to enjoy living.  I understand that choice, wanting to give your best self to the people and things you love, not knowing you good you will be in the future. 

Maybe if I had a husband who could support me financially I could take time off work and celebrate living.  

Ah- well.  Nothing I can do about this wish.  Unless...

SWF seeks SWM. I have a chronic, potentially fatal disease and young tax deductions.  Seeking health benefits and money so we can enjoy more free time, vacations, and some luxury.

How is that sales pitch? LOL