New year, same disease

We have just returned home from 11 awesome days with family. I don't make it back to Utah often- it's just so far away, takes so long to drive and the cost of airfare is insane. This was our third visit in the 6 years we have been away from the region and was the most enjoyable for sure. It was so fantastic to see the mountains and be with my sisters.

I loved getting reconnected with nieces and nephews- all amazing kids with great parents. I am so grateful that even those little ones who don't know me well endured the hugs and kisses with giggles and loved me back. 

While being away from my cancer was a good change I started having really intense pain in my hip and numbness radiating both down my leg and across my stomach. No question something is happening. The Dr. thought it might be arthritis, but it feels more significant than that now. Even getting back home to my bed I am having trouble. I am also noticing some swelling in my leg - I think it could by lymph fluid that isn't draining. Ugh!  

I had some testing before leaving town. Now I have a couple of intense days at work before I will be back at the Dr.  I am feeling concerned about what it is going to be. My greatest fear is a spread of cancer in the lymph nodes around my hip. That would mean this chemo isn't working and we need to switch again. What will the next one be? How will the side effects be? How long will it work? And, why isn't this new cocktail working?  

I like to joke that maybe the answer is that I don't even have cancer. LOL. 

I feel like I have aged 10 years since starting this new chemo around Halloween. I feel pale, my eyes dull, my skin old and my spirit less hopeful. 

Add to this the worries about loosing my FMLA qualification since I am moving to a new employer (same job) and I am truly worried about the future. 

What happened to my faith? 

I am completely dependent on the Lord and the mercy of others if things take a downturn. And, it isn't that I haven't been blessed by both, it is just the potential for a perfect storm on the horizon. 

Let go and let God.