8 years post diagnosis

Today is my 8 year cancer-versary. My baby was only 6 months old and every symptom I had could easily be explained away by being a new mom. In fact, after I called to make an appointment with my OBGYN I was chatting with my sister on the phone and explained why I should cancel the appointment and not waste my time, or theirs. Thankfully Jenn convinced me to go, even if it was just to ease her mind. Silly sister, but I couldn't disappoint her. 

The PA kept the visit very short and rushed me out the door for a mammogram and ultrasound. Tearfully, the PA told me it wasn't good news. I assured her it was going to be ok. I didn't have cancer and they would see that in the tests. 

It was cancer. But, I didn't cry that day. At least, I don't remember crying.  I do remember everyone around me crying and I assured them it was going to be fine. 

Then I did cry. I cried at my chemo treatments for months, I cried during the biopsy, I cried when I looked at my babies who I couldn't hold because of the intense pain of surgeries and the fear I was dying an ugly death. 

My treatments began with 6 months of chemo, surgery, radiation and continued herceptin. Then I stayed on hormone therapy for 5 years. During the time of hormone blocking therapy my official diagnosis was breast cancer, NED (no evidence of disease).  

About this time 3 years ago I was having intense back pain and, like the first time, I chalked the problems up to something else. Foolishly ignoring my risk for a recurrence of cancer. I ignored it for months, until in an effort to be responsible with follow-up treatments and being hopeful that I could have an oncologist tell me I was cured, I went in for a check-up and found out the cancer growing again.

This diagnosis led to a change in the hormone therapy. I went through several until none of them worked anymore. Then I started chemotherapy again. I am on my third type of chemo since being diagnosed with metastatic breast cancer and it is looking good so far. 

I am still in active treatment, but have seen some success recently and I am hopeful that there could be a break for me in the future.  However, since the cancer has metastasized to distant sites, I am a permanent cancer patient.

Cancer sucks! But, life with cancer has given me many gifts. First, the people who aren't true friends go away. I didn't have to do anything, they just faded away. I have found wonderful friends and have seen the good in humanity. I have been able to encourage others in the same journey. 

What's in my future? I don't know. 

But, today is a sad day.  A reminder of bad news and rotten things. Tomorrow is another day. And I will pull myself up and cope.  But, today I get to be sad.