Like a Roller Coaster - But Less Fun

I find it weird that we draw a similarity between difficult times, an emotional roller coaster, and the real thing- like at an amusement park.

I haven't been on a roller coaster for a while, but I recall them being fun.  You know, anticipation and excitement.

Here is how I recall it going: You are in line and think about chickening out, but cannot come up with an excuse your friends will believe. So you psych yourself up.  "It won't even last too long",  "We will have fun", "I am going to concentrate on smiling when we go past that camera so I don't look too freaked out in the picture".

Finally, you get on the ride and the clank of the safety bar rings with a hallow ting as it locks into place.  And you think, "if it is hallow is probably isn't very strong.  Everyone is going to hear about me crashing from the top on the 10 o'clock news. They will think, 'I am so glad it wasn't me'."

Now you don't care what your friends think, you just want to run!  But, it is to late.  Slowly the ride lurches into motion.  Even slower still it makes the first climb.  "Why didn't they put a stronger motor on this thing so it would be over already?"  Almost at the top and you decide, "I am not going to fall" and your knuckles are poking out of the white skin wrapped over them.

The first fall seems to be moving at the speed of a frame-by-frame instant replay.  The ride starts to speed up and you are tossed from side-to-side around turns and in loopy-loops.  Flash! I forgot to smile.

Your body starts to get used to the sharp motions of the turns.  You are starting to laugh in between screams.  Just as you catch your breath, the ride is over.  You want to stay for one more round, but they make you leave your seat as the next glazed-eye passenger embarks.

Well, there are twists and turns in your emotions when you have cancer.  You lurch from side to side and try to maintain some level of composure through it all, but flash! another surprise catches you with your mouth wide open and panic in your eyes.  


The difference is you don't start to enjoy the ride and you don't want to stay on for another spin.  You get off, sad to leave behind the friends you have spent every week with since it all began, and charge the crowd trying to outrun the clutches of "Mets".

I thought after I got over the first week of knowing my cancer was back it would start to feel like I was back on the ride I jumped off less than 5 years ago.  I thought I would get the swing of things and feel ready to keep racing up and down the track with the goal of getting off the ride for good to drive me forward.  Wrong.

Today was a drop down, a loopy-loop, flash! bang! roller coaster kind-a day. 

But, this isn't a roller coaster.  Roller coasters are fun. This is scary.  And, when you have to take responsibility for decision about which track to follow it leaves you second-guessing yourself.  Did I make the wrong turn?  Does the track ahead of me end?  Will it meet back up with the end of the ride or will I end up just looping around until...

Last night I kept thinking of these promises: "I am THE WAY, THE TRUTH, and THE LIGHT" and "My PEACE I give unto you".

And tonight driving from work to daycare I saw several cars with that "Life Is Good" saying on bumper stickers or tire covers.  I wanted to roll my window down and shout, "No it's not, you idiot".  I didn't do it; I do have some composure still.  

Then I thought- maybe I should stop fighting it and consider that Heavenly Father might want to tell me "Your life is good.  I am in charge. I will take care."  After all, Jesus Christ- my brother- is on my side too.  He is offering THE WAY marked by HIS LIGHT.

So I decided, white-knuckle-gripped, I am going to stay on this ride! And when it is over I am going to rush the crowd and get back to the life I was pretty happy with before I was forced on this non-fun emotional roller coaster.

I am not going to be on the news tonight or any night.  

I AM THANKFUL FOR:

Cards from Mom's Cousin

Mama Jean "Medicine" (grams, sugar, almonds- ya know?)

Sisters to whine to on the phone

Mom and Dad

My Babys

Thanksgiving

Co-Workers who redecorate for Thanksgiving immediately after Halloween

AWESOME Daisy troopers who want to help

Veggies

Diet Coke

Google

... shall I go on? 
Life is Good!...