The happy game

Sometimes, even for me, there isn't a smidge of a drop of happy left anywhere in your soul. It's like that right now. 

I have just had all the tough news, emotionaly draining, blood testing, child-rearing, face-booking, "where-are-all-the-good-men"ing, bill paying, x-husband not-hating I can stand for a lifetime. And, I just want to scream and cry and shout. I want to throw a fit so emphatic that the whole universe will be afraid of not giving me just what I want. But, I am too tired to throw a fit. And, I have a horrible headache. So, I need to play what Miss Gae called "the happy game". I have been trying to play for days, but I keep losing. I hate feeling like this. It doesn't feel like me. 

The happy game, where you list things you are thankful for or happy about until you feel it. 

1-I love a nice rain storm, we had one today. 

2-Steak and potatoes - that was dinner. 

3- Tylenol. 

4- Memories of the sea to enjoy on days when the ocean is far away.  I loved seeing half moon bay in the spring. 

5- Ceiling fans. Good when it is hot or cold. 

6- Chocolate milk with ice cubes. Or better yet, crushed ice. 

7- Apples

8- Dreams about what I would do if I won the lottery. If you've been good to me you will enjoy the wealth also. 

9- Dreams of living a vagabond lifestyle. Traveling the world, moving from city to city and finding work along the way. Staying as long or short as I fancy. Learning the languages and becoming part of the culture. 

10- Pretty nail polish. 

11- Keeping up with my C25K schedule. I fight for every step, it's not sexy, but I am on track in spite of a dramatic treadmill incident, my chemotherapy and other medical crap. 

12- Books- or the ability to loose myself if some fictional world for a little while. 

13- Men who are good husbands and fathers. I would have no hope if it weren't for you. 

14- Dreaming (I really dreamed this last week) about sliding all around on a wood floor in my socks. I wish the whole world were wood floors. 

15- Sending my kids to good schools, buying good health care and dental care. We may not wear fashion labels. We don't have most of what I thought I would have in life, but they have a good life and promising future- thanks to me. I do it by myself. And by that, I mean I work hard and the grace of God makes up the difference. I don't have financial support from anyone else. 

Breath in and out.