Bummer test results

Up and down, exciting then scary.  Cancer, and the tests to determine whether the treatment or disease is ahead, is like flying on a roller coaster.
In the last week I have been so anxious to get the latest results of my blood tests back.  I was worried that my tumor markers wouldn't be where I was sure they should be.  I was also looking forward to the discussion about if it was time to stop chemo.  I was completely prepared to be excited and argue that an extra round or two would be smart - just for insurance.
My tumor markers had been trending down, I was sure last month they would drop off.
Clearly I have lost touch with my inner health compass.  My markers went up 30 points. 
OK, so now what? Well, I asked that the blood drawn this week be sent in for the tumor marker test so we can see if the last test was a fluke. I don't think it was a fluke, but it is what the drs and nurses always say. 
So, we are testing the blood so the doctors and nurses can prove that the change in my tumor markers aren't from a faulty test and to determine if it is time to change our treatment plan to a new drug.
What to wish for... what to wish for... I never wish to change drugs, because I know what is happening with the drug I am taking.  I know how my body is responding and how sick it does or doesn't make me.  A new drug might be better or it might be worse.
I am also trying to understand God's will.  Am I never to be NED?  Am I always going to be actively fighting cancer?  When and how will this fight end?  Do I dive in and give everything I have every day, trying to squeeze every moment of joy or parenting success, or do I hold back and plan to use energy over the long run?  How will I be most proud of how I lived?  Which will give my kids the best memories of their childhood?  Which is best for my career?
First I think: I am really not that sick.  I don't have tumors on my soft tissue.  It isn't in my brain.  It isn't on my kidney.  I have lots of systems functioning very well.  Second: I am getting so run down.  I am tired and don't spring back from set backs with much agility. 
So, who am I these days?  Am I a fighter or survivor, living with or running away from cancer?
Which of us has the upper hand?  Which of us is about to fly down a hill only to have to climb the next?
Such deep thoughts, I want a nap.