Quietly Holding Out for Courage

I have not been as active with my blog lately as I thought I might be, or as active as I was in the beginning.  Partly because I don't have much news.  There is a lot of waiting for time to pass so that the drugs can work in my system.  They are slow moving, so there isn't the exciting "quick wins" of chemo or surgery.  I have some important tests looming in the next few weeks, and if I stop to think about them too long I will grow scared and obsessive.  


The other day I actually wished I could go back in time, something I have never wanted.  Going back to a time you enjoyed more means reliving the time you didn't like, but the other day going back seemed better because going forward I will never be free of cancer, even if I becomes dormant I will always have it.  Going forward I will probably have to continue facing the things I face now.  


So I wished to go back one year.  One year ago there was no cancer to worry about.  One year ago it was just the kiddos and me making our life the way we wanted it.  We liked where we were living, what we were doing, and I wasn't working late hours at work.  


Some people know what we have been up against in the last few months, but most don't.  


I have appreciated making some cyber friends who relate to one aspect of my life- the cancer- with personal experience. I have also been grateful for friends who don't know, especially those who think I am so amazing for going forward as I must.  It is encouraging, but I don't know what else I would do- there is no place else to go- just forward.


So I am moving forward.  Forward to whatever changes lie at work and the organization shift that is happening.  Forward as Mommy, trying to provide alone all the things kiddies need.  Forward as a cancer patient, knowing I will never be cured, and hoping I will have long, long breaks between treatment cycles. 


I move forward and hope for better.  I hope for a job with opportunities and fulfillment, for better insurance coverage, for braces on kiddies teeth, for good soccer practices and new friends for the kiddies, hope for health and a life free of a cancer diagnosis for my babies.  Oh, if I could be the statistic so they could be free.  


But, for today, I can lay down in bed and say, "I will try again tomorrow".