I am not the old me, I am me old

I had another treatment last Thursday (12/1). This was the third round of fazlodex and second of xgeva.  The treatment went great. I can "zen" my way through the needle sticks so the pain is less and less noticeable each time.  Also, my Onc had good news- she found a lab in TN that can do the FISH test on the bone biopsy. This is a more conclusive test than the other test, which have been performed.  This test confirmed the others showing the new tumors are HER2-.

So, with greater assurance we can move forward with our current treatment plan.    Dr J said that before Herceptin it was only 10% of HER2+ breast cancers that had a recurrence that was HER2-.  She wasn't sure of the stats now, but I have been nervous about my tumors testing negative.  I was concerned there wasn't adequate material from  the biopsy to get a true test result.  This test should take the question out of my mind, but I guess I don't totally trust science.  But, I will just keep moving toward the goal line.

The kids were sick on Friday, but I hate to miss work so they were with G-ma and Papa. I would have been smarter to be home with them. I was tired and not feeling my best, but went into the office anyway. I hope my dedication is noticed, but I am sure I put way too much into it myself.

Saturday I was so tired still, but there were several things I needed (wanted) to do, so the day ended with a party at church where I didn't feel very cheerful. I was tired and already knew the next day would include lots of time resting in bed.  I can't run all day anymore and should have known better, but I did it anyway.

I spent all of Sunday sick in bed with a terrible headache and upset stomach. My blood pressure was through the roof and stayed high through Monday. These are the kind of days I really feel like a cancer patient.  I don't just get tired, but sick when I do too much.  I spend those sick days contemplating mortality and if I have loved my kids enough.  Dark thoughts, but when you are sick- you are sick. Right?

But, I must be doing ok.  Here's what kid #2 made for me the other day, a double pink ribbon from her ballon-art ballons.  Isn't it sweet? And awesome that she figured out how to create it on her own?  They really are the greatest kids.  They have math rhymes, Christmas songs and lots of hugs to share every day. I love it.

I am just not the Mom I used to be, but I am not the woman I used to be either.  I get tired.  I have lots of responsibilities to handle on my own and I have this stupid cancer.  I want to be good and tired, the kind of tired that goes away with a good nights sleep.  But it takes more than a good night for me.  I wish I felt and looked younger than my age, not older.

Oh well, I am learning (all over again) that cancer treatment makes you abandon the concerns of vanity for those of extended mortality.  So I am old.  So what?  I am a mom.  I am an employee. I have insurance. I have amazing friends and family.  I am rich in the things that matter.  I have to keep track of these blessings.
And, I have to remember, beautiful is deeper than what the mirror shows.