I am not the old me, I am me old

I had another treatment last Thursday (12/1). This was the third round of fazlodex and second of xgeva.  The treatment went great. I can "zen" my way through the needle sticks so the pain is less and less noticeable each time.  Also, my Onc had good news- she found a lab in TN that can do the FISH test on the bone biopsy. This is a more conclusive test than the other test, which have been performed.  This test confirmed the others showing the new tumors are HER2-.

So, with greater assurance we can move forward with our current treatment plan.    Dr J said that before Herceptin it was only 10% of HER2+ breast cancers that had a recurrence that was HER2-.  She wasn't sure of the stats now, but I have been nervous about my tumors testing negative.  I was concerned there wasn't adequate material from  the biopsy to get a true test result.  This test should take the question out of my mind, but I guess I don't totally trust science.  But, I will just keep moving toward the goal line.

The kids were sick on Friday, but I hate to miss work so they were with G-ma and Papa. I would have been smarter to be home with them. I was tired and not feeling my best, but went into the office anyway. I hope my dedication is noticed, but I am sure I put way too much into it myself.

Saturday I was so tired still, but there were several things I needed (wanted) to do, so the day ended with a party at church where I didn't feel very cheerful. I was tired and already knew the next day would include lots of time resting in bed.  I can't run all day anymore and should have known better, but I did it anyway.

I spent all of Sunday sick in bed with a terrible headache and upset stomach. My blood pressure was through the roof and stayed high through Monday. These are the kind of days I really feel like a cancer patient.  I don't just get tired, but sick when I do too much.  I spend those sick days contemplating mortality and if I have loved my kids enough.  Dark thoughts, but when you are sick- you are sick. Right?

But, I must be doing ok.  Here's what kid #2 made for me the other day, a double pink ribbon from her ballon-art ballons.  Isn't it sweet? And awesome that she figured out how to create it on her own?  They really are the greatest kids.  They have math rhymes, Christmas songs and lots of hugs to share every day. I love it.

I am just not the Mom I used to be, but I am not the woman I used to be either.  I get tired.  I have lots of responsibilities to handle on my own and I have this stupid cancer.  I want to be good and tired, the kind of tired that goes away with a good nights sleep.  But it takes more than a good night for me.  I wish I felt and looked younger than my age, not older.

Oh well, I am learning (all over again) that cancer treatment makes you abandon the concerns of vanity for those of extended mortality.  So I am old.  So what?  I am a mom.  I am an employee. I have insurance. I have amazing friends and family.  I am rich in the things that matter.  I have to keep track of these blessings.
And, I have to remember, beautiful is deeper than what the mirror shows.

Testing Complete, Treatment Planned, Kids Dad Throws a Hat into the Stress

This post really is an update about my condition, treatment, etc. I have included links in this post to make it easier for you to learn if you are interested in a deeper understanding. 

The testing is finally compete and results are reviewed.

Let me begin by saying, the oncologist I have chosen to direct my care is the only one who felt it necessary to push for additional testing.  There were some indicators that made her question the chemical components of the tumor that neither of the other found worrisome.  This Onc is an answer to many prayers as she is going to help me to make the best decisions.

The Facts:
This is Metastatic Breast Cancer. It is spread to the bones- and cancer spread to the bones tends to grow slowly. The probability of remission is VERY high. For some women this remission lasts their life long.

The Test Results:
There are 3 common +/- tests run on breast cancer.  The first two are hormone tests. 1) Progesterone 2) Estrogen and the 3) is HER2 (Human Epidural Growth Factor 2).

Originally I was a Triple+.  Meaning the tumor over expressed (or thrived on) Progesterone, Estrogen, and HER2.  My original treatment included Herceptin, a miracle drug that is new-ish in Breast Cancer World (approved in the last 15 years or so).  Sometimes this can cause the expression of HER2 to be eliminated, which is the purpose of the drug.  It worked so well that the cancer in my bones is HER2 Negative.  So, I will not be getting more Herceptin.

The difference in treatment is actually significant.  Because I am HER2- I have 3 treatment pathways that are an option, but if it had come back positive there would be one pathway.

The Treatment:
I will be getting weekly treatment (on Thursdays, so make sure your Wednesday night prayers are good) which will be a shot in my muscle which will spread through my body and attack the cancer cells.
Along with this I will have a monthly injection to strengthen my bones as cancer will obviously weaken them.

The Prognosis:
I feel very confident one of the treatment options will be effective.  If the first option isn't effective  then there are two chemotherapy options we will move to. 

I believe the next months will be hard work.  There is only way to get back on the other side of this cancer, to go through the fire.  But, I hope to be feeling good and be over the fight for next summer.  I would love to head back down to the Gulf for a beach vacation.

Interesting Cancer Treatment Studies:
I read one study that says exercise 3x a week increases survival by 50%, so I am taking time on the elliptical and will make this a part of my week.

Another survivor told me of a study that says if you have 6 friends your odds improve dramatically.  If this allows for concurrently adding the number of friends you have, then I will be cured in no time! I have lots of good friends.

The X Factor
The kids dad is talking about moving to Texas; a whole new development.  While his presence would offer the girls the chance to know him, I am ...  I am not sure what he is expecting it to be like.  Last I knew he was getting married.  I don't know if the wedding is off and he wants to move for a fresh start or if he and his wife are looking to stir things up.  The timing is strange as we have lived here for years and he never considered moving here.  Now, when I need to focus on the fight ahead of me he is smashing in.

So, I have to live in the moment
I don't know how I will feel after treatment.  I don't know what the side effects will be like or how intense they will be.  And, I don't know what co-parenting stresses are going to be dumped on me in the middle of all of this.

But, for now, I am good.  I am happy to be celebrating Friday!  I am listening to Pandora and blogging at lunch. Thanksgiving, the BEST holiday, is just around the corner. My kiddies are sweet and their Halloween parties are fun.  And, the weather is perfect to eat homemade rolls and stew.

And, whatever comes I have to just remember to say: "I think I can" (be beautiful (i.e. not mean) in the way I treat my x); "I think I can" (be beautiful in my faith that I will get well); "I think I can" (keep doing the best things for me and my kids).  I have to say this until I can say "I knew I could, I knew I could"

Be beautiful, be kind, be gracious.  I hope I can be the same.

Love, Kel