Physiological consequences of drugs

When I was getting chemo the first time around, 7 years ago, I remember getting into a chemo recover routine. Part of that routine was to walk outside, even if I could only walk 20 steps put the door and then back to sit and rest for a few hours before trying again. The exercise was good to help work the drugs out of my system. And, being outside was very healing.  Without fail, while walking hand in hand with my mom or dad, because I couldn't manage 40 steps alone, I would cry.  I didn't have anything to cry about.  I was not upset.  The drugs just made me emotional. 

Fast-forward 7 years. I had a PET scan yesterday. Those drugs also have some emotional side effects. I was so frustrated last night and this morning. After dropping the kids off at school I cried all the way in to work.  It is not like me to cry, thanks to other drugs, so I had to ask myself what was wrong. I know, most people reading this are saying to themselves, "you have CANCER, what else do you need to make you cry?"  But, for me saying "I have cancer" has the same emotional weight as saying I have brown hair, or I have blue eyes. It is just a fact because I have had it for so long I don't know anything else so I can compare it to anything else. And, trust me, cancer is not the toughest trial in my life. 

So I had to ask myself, what is wrong?  As I formed a list so that I could decide how to handle each problem and I can get back to being dry-eyed I began to cry harder. I prayed, "how am I supposed to handle all of this? I can't!  Not wonder I am losing it!" 

Why is life so hard right now? Several of the things on my worry list aren't things happening to me, but to people I love. It is hard to know they are struggling or facing medical problems, surgery, or Christmas without much to give their children. 

What kind of world do we live I when one of the top stories on CNN today is about a "ghost party" - a group of teens stake out a mansion where the owners aren't home and throw a party in their pool. The party escalated to breaking into the home and stealing things, amoung which is a $250,000 stuffed snow lepord. People aren't able to scrape together a few hundred dollars for Christmas gifts, or even a few dollars for other basic needs but there are stuffed animals valued at more than the cost of many American's home being stolen by kids? Or the other CNN story that aired during my treatment today. This story educate viewers about a new word.  A medical/mental condition coined as Affluenza.  Affluenza is actually on condition in which a child comes from such comfortable financial means that a judge found him unable to take responsibility for getting rip-roaring drunk and driving his truck into 4 other people and killing them.  In spite of being 16, this is not his first serious offense (opinion) while intoxicated.  Last year he was found in a car with a naked, drunk, passed out 14 year old girl.  Financial wealth is now a legitimate defense for manslaughter. 

I am not proud to live in a land where people can be too rich to be punished for killing others. I am patriotic, I love the soldiers in the military and reverence theincredile personal sacrifice they make to defend Our constitution and to sand against exploitation of others around the world.  I consider myself a Republican, but when it comes to the class system I have been warned about sounding like "one of chose Democrates". I think it is about being Christian and humane.  

Hard work should be rewarded. I like the idea of working hard and earning something extra for it.  Heaven knows that is my goal. I work full-time, making up for time spent in cancer treatment by always having my laptop at treatment along with my personal hotspot so that I can give my employer a full days work. I work extra hours in the evening or at night to assure I give them my best work. I then work additional hours freelance because I love the dear friend that asked me to take the job, and let's be honest, I am a middle-class, single-income, single-parent who supports my family alone and I am financing stage IV cancer treatment. Middle class living requires more than one income.  I expect to have more for my work than those who are doing less.  I want to be rewarded for specialized skills I have honed.  They cost me time, money and commitment to offer them to my employer. However, I do not believe that my value to the company is only 7% of the CEO.  The value of those who keep the restrooms clean is not a fraction of the value I bring.  How valuable is a clean restroom to you when you need to use one?

I am not suggesting socialism, but far less disparity. When a subset of the group is told they are hundreds of times move valuable simply because of which job they do or how much money they make we are setting them up to believe they can get away with murder. 

Wow- I have a lot to get off my chest.  And, CNN stories are the safest of all the things on my mind to vent about.

Back to my point- Drugs mess up that part of your brain responsible for your emotions and tear ducts. DON'T DO DRUGS!  

I know some of the readers of this blog are friends.  I know you are going to want to know how to help me.  You don't want to know that I cried my way to work without knowing how you can help.  My answer is there is nothing we need.  I don't know if it is accurate, but it is honest.  I don't know what to ask for.  I know that I am so blessed.  I have a good job.  I can feed, dress and provide a warm house my kids with far more comforts than they can enjoy every day or clean up every night.  I have friends and family who love me.  I have the miracles of a most gracious Lord.  I know God lives.  He loves me.  He knows me personally and know the troubles of my heart.  He has put this path in front of me and told me, by faith and hard work, I can do this.  His Son, Jesus Christ, came to earth as a Savior for all of us.  I have all I need and so much more.  Thank you for your love and concern for me.  You are one of my blessings.  I just needed to vent and tell someone I am not ok with some of what our society is now calling acceptable.  

Merry Christmas! I hope we are all able to see more of the actions that support or values in the acts of those around us than we can see on CNN all year, And especially now at Christmas time.