Off Balance

This morning I had an MRI early in the morning.  I had scheduled it early enough to finish and be at work on time, but that didn't happen.  I waited to register at the hospital for so long.  So, of course I didn't make it to work at 8.  It wasn't a problem for them, but it was for me.  I just started the day off and never regained my balance.
I can't tell you how many times in the last few weeks I have wondered why I can't move to the beach and open a surf shop.  Why? I long for a life style and a pace of life that will offer me more!  More time. More Zen. More mothering. More meditating. More being. So much much more!
At the same time I keep pushing myself at work to carry on- hold the fraying ropes of having a smaller staff with an equal - if  not increased- amount of work to do.  Why?  Why don't I back off?  Why don't I have a serious conversation about what is practical and reasonable?  Why do I always want to see how much I can accomplish?  Why do I use this as a measure of success in a way I can't turn away from it?
I have a reasonable view of what will not happen at work.  There aren't promotions to earn, pay raises to secure, there aren't career goals to be attained.  It is just a challenge to see what I can make happen, what needle I can move, and what recognition I might receive.  But, again, refer to the sentence before- my true opportunity is to prove something to myself, and what could I really prove to myself?  Is chasing this *whatever it is* really going to bring anything to me?  I sure don't come home feeling fulfilled.
Why don't I just move to the beach?  Watching the sun rise and set, seeing the ocean wave, the wind blow- that would be awe inspiring.
And I want some awe.

So, MRI over and done.  Test results to come- sometime.
Treatment this week.
PET/CT to be scheduled.

I just feel like I am in a funk!  Something feels wrong.  Is it the place I am in?  Is it the physical place? The state, city, town, job? Is it a metaphorical place? An emotional or spiritual place?  Is it nerves that are being felt in this weird way because I am working so hard at not getting crazed with worry or stress?

UGH!!! I would like to say a vacation is in order, but I don't dare use time off this early in the year when I have so much ahead.  And, there are always sick days with the kids.  Maybe I need to be like Bob, "Take a VACATION! A VACATION FROM MY PROBLEMS".

Maybe I should wear a loud Hawaiian print shirt, drink fruity drinks, and pretend that is what I am doing every night this week.  Now- there is an idea.  I can do that, and still be the employee, mom, housekeeper, dinner maker. As long as I am feeling off balance...